On hope and other humanly dispairs
December 24, 2011It’s the day before Christmas. It’s London. This is my Xmas wish list.
I wish I could write my heart out; draw out every single letter, form coherent words, put words into phrases and make sense of them. I wish I could empty my heart of all these unfinished stories that I start telling or living but which fade away too quickly and I lose their meaning. I wish I could extract the ink from my heart… That black thick juice that shadows my reason and makes me sick when I swallow too much or too quickly or both. And I wish I could extract that elixir that fills me up with joy at the first I love you, or at the sight of an old lady selling paintings in a Parisienne boulevard, or at the sight of my mum waking up from surgery, facing a whole new world. I would mix this elixir into the ink, I’d wash my hands and fingers with it, I’d soak the white paper of a notebook and then write … Painfully, but clearly, I feel that I’d know myself this way… Better than I do now I’d make more sense of past confusions, I’d learn from failures and I’d know how to stay happy in one place.
I wish cancer did not exist… I wish our bodies were true temples where the world ‘malign’ never enter. I wish our bodies were in perfect harmony with our minds and souls and that we fade away naturally when the time comes. I the first snow never sets on rooftops… I wish the empty room in the hospital never scared me so much as it did this winter. I wish we had to fight our fights with no fear of getting disarmed by our own bodies.
I wish closeness knew no boundaries. That her eyes never looked so sad that she never was so quiet. I wish closeness would not feel as apart as it does at times… That she never lost her way in tears and self doubt where no one can reach her.
I wish i allowed myself to hope irrespective of how many of my dreams get shattered … I wish i never get bitter about love about friendship and about personal growth.
I wish I had a darkroom at my doorstep where I could go every time I feel my bridges with the works are crumbling. I wish life and ‘the world’ we live in never list their magic… I wish I never stop to wonder how planes fly and that I could always spot Orion in the night sky.
